sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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