I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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