How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
