Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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