Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
