theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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