I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
