Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
