? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
