My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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