Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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