my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
