I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
