flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
