My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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