Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
