I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
