The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
