I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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