either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
