Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
