I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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