Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
