We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I think your dad took our porno
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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