YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
