You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
