Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
we're making bets on your personal life
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
