he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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