I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
