I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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