I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
