Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
