Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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