I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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