I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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