You smell like a Billy Joel song
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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