my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
