Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
