Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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