I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
