Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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