Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
