You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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