11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
