you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
