If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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