I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
