Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
