I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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