I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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