i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My life is pants optional.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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